Three hundred and twenty five (4/18).
hella coffee with cocoa mix (225). sips of blended coffee (let’s just say like 100).
(325).
Currently on hour 83 of this fast.
hella coffee with cocoa mix (225). sips of blended coffee (let’s just say like 100).
(325).
Currently on hour 83 of this fast.
coffees with cream (100). 12oz wildberry smoothie (210). 22oz. strawberry banana smoothie (330).
(640).
All liquid, all good. Mostly because I’m on my way over to Leah’s and we’re going on a run.
But tomorrow will have to be much stricter. Today is its own little victory because I was so triggered to binge on a milkshake, which is (810). So the fact that I substituted a smoothie for less than half of that is something to be somewhat pleased about.
Not having the desire to live and not having the desire to eat are becoming more and more correlated lately. Because the latter will achieve the former. Unlike binging.
excessive coffee with cream (300). 12oz. mango pineapple smoothie (220).
(520).
Because it’s in liquid calories, I’m okay. Barely. It’s day two of this liquid fast, and I need to not binge more than I need to freak out over infinitesimal liquid calories. I won’t likely average quite so many calories after I enter ketosis…which will take longer than usual since I’m not water fasting…but I will continue to allow them up to (300). I’m very set on a small smoothie and coffee, for eternity. It’s perfectly sustainable for me, which is my first priority these days. I can’t see myself deciding to eat for a long fucking time, after Friday night’s emotional curb-stomp. I just can’t do it.
If I eat…I don’t know, actually. What will happen if I eat, that is. I suppose I’ll stay fat, or worse, get fatter. Which will lead to my utter stagnancy in life, as it always does. And with all the time I sit doing nothing, on a chair in my kitchen in silence, mind reeling…I’ll have to think about him. What he said. What I don’t and do mean to him, neither of which are fucking good. And what I can’t even justify ever feeling for him because of how fucking fucked of a place he was coming from, the whole fucking time.
Nope. I can simply never eat, never stop moving, and never ever stop to think.
It is hour 63 of this 720-hour fast, and I weigh 103lbs. Still. You can’t hear it, but I’m cackling hysterically because it feels like I just skull fucked science.
Except, looking back, I didn’t really eat incredibly much over t he past week-long-fasting-pause. I typically had one meal a day that felt like too much. But my stomach is shrunken, so it’s really easy to get full. But I technically still wasn’t eating enough calories a day to gain weight.
Hence, I didn’t.
103lbs (17.7) still. But that’s so fucking okay, considering I had two cookies last night. I kept having terrible thoughts about being 107lbs. Idk why that number scares me so much now…but something about it makes me scared to exceed it ever again.
Two Starbucks Double Shots (420). One Light Mocha Frappuccino (100). Island Breeze smoothie (330).
Total: (860)?
I’m not actually terribly upset about this. It should count as coffee, and juice. I don’t need to be fasting anymore. It IS a high number of calories, and that is really the only thing I’m bothered about. Well, I’m more bothered by the scale. So since it’s liquids, loss shouldn’t be too terribly threatened. I hope.
But. Problem. The sugar and carbs in that is more than I’ve had in a long time. And now, my body wants so much more of them. It wants nutrients. It’s going to come out of ketosis, and be a difficult bitch. Fasting is easy. Restricting is annoying.
Starbucks Vanilla Double Shot (210).
I fail at fast breaking. Oops.
Wuheva.
16 oz. pomegranate pear juice (250).
Broke my fast at 9:30 p.m. today, with 8 oz. of fruit juice. And then at 11:00 I’ll be having another 8 oz.
Technically my fast extended to 410 hours. Technically I’m still juice fasting, and with be until Saturday. And then fruit.
103lbs. (17.7)
Woooooopwoop. I’m enjoying the steady one-pound-every-two-days drop. It’s important that I still lost after that juice. Or else it would make continuing to break this fast extremely difficult.
I mean, I’ve already cheated and had a Starbucks Double Shot instead of juice, because I’m just not okay with the added sugar in the juices available at the store near my house.
But I’m going to look for some appropriate, safe juice tonight, and still plan to have fruit on Saturday.
I will be posting another progress photo after work.
Just one pound away from goal number three (and a clinically anorexic BMI)!
My goal weight began as a nice 102lbs (17.5).
Then I decided that 96lbs (16.5) would create a nice margin of error.
So I made Kessa promise to intervene if my goal weight continued to drop below 92lbs (15.8).
But we decided that 88lbs (15.1) would be perfectly appropriate, since that puts me at her lowest BMI.
And I’ve now decided firmly that 85lbs (14.6) is really what I’ve always wanted.
So, fuck.
104lbs.
My BMI is 17.8.
It’s the last day of my fast. Literally, I’m at the 24-hour mark. Tomorrow at 7:00 p.m., I will be having a glass of REAL JUICE. And then, at 11:00 p.m., I’ll be having another.
I haven’t finished yet, but I’m in the process of writing a summary of my fast. I’ll post my fast-breaking diet plan along with it.
The fact that I will technically be juice fasting for a further three days after the water-coffee-zero-calorie-beverage fast, is really helping me to feel less nervous about breaking this fast. The thought of seeing gain after seeing just loss for so long is absolutely petrifying, but it’s just juice. It has calories but it’s only juice. Consuming calories and not having to worry about food weight, is a perfect first step to actually chewing and swallowing something. It’s been over two weeks since I last did so! The thought. Oh, just the thought.
I can’t break the mentality of “Why?” when it comes to eating right now. The juice should help, especially if I keep losing a little during those three days. I can pretend it’s cushion to protect the progress of my water fast.
I can’t believe I’m in the 17-point BMI range. It really is like a shallow exhale.
105lbs. Yet another new low weight. They’re all so interesting and new. Each has it’s own vibe and energy, but they get more and more intense.
I feel more and more immortal.
This is day 15 of my fast. 2 days to go.
But I don’t want to stop.
I really…
Really don’t.
So far, I’ve fasted an entire 14 days. Two weeks. At this point it doesn’t even seem that long. It was the best two weeks ever, because the entire time I didn’t have to feel the weighty guilt of eating anything.
It’s day fifteen now. I’ve had 14 coffees, 4 sugar-free cider packets, and the world’s supply of diet soda, Powerade Zero, and water. I’ve lost 10lbs, but I haven’t checked in two days now.
I have no complaints.
106lbs. Yet another new low weight. BMI 18.2.
My weight loss has slowed to about .5lbs per day. Even though that’s not necessarily slow.
I’ve been so paranoid about not losing. But that’s just impossible when I’m literally eating nothing. And I did lose.
All is calm.
